Geek Read: Gears of War - The Slab

Title: Gears of War: The Slab
Publisher:  Gallery Books

Authors: Karen Traviss

Published:  08/05/2012

Page Count: 464 pages

Final Verdict: 5.5/10

 Gears of War- the ultimate manly man's game. You're a giant beef dude, escaped from prison, and you gotta go and slaughter some underground alien assholes that decided now would be a good time for a human genocide, all with a rifle with a chainsaw mounted on the end of it.


This there my friend does not leave much for the imagination, and it sure doesn't leave much to write about. Though throughout the games there are shockers and twists (sort of), and some bro-love that could probably be looked into, there's nothing incredibly "deep" about it. It's fun because it's cool to chainsaw a monster in the face and you feel like a bad-ass, not because you know the inner torment of the main character, Marcus Fenix.


The thing is, this book isn't bad, it isn't bad at all. What is does feel like though, is as if the author had a misplaced affection for the story. It's too much for what it really is. The book could be half the size and contain the same relevant information,  yet it goes on trying to pull on heartstrings that frankly aren't there.


Let's face it, the crowd that wanted to run their rescue-hero shaped characters into hell and spatter blood and guts in a satisfying alien filleting aren't the same people who want to see said possibly-roid-inhanced characters crying over love letters like a little bitch. Let me tell you a little more why I feel this way...

I mean, the boots? The shoulders? Even the god damn belt and the gloves. Come onnn.

The Slab is the immediate chronological predecessor to Gears of War (the first). At the beginning of the first game, you've just escaped prison thanks to your best bro, Dom Santiago, a soldier from your old regimen. The Slab then takes it upon itself to tell you about those fun-filled 4 years in the prison of the same name. Don't get me wrong, plenty of interesting stories happen in prison, but unfortunately, this isn't the Shawshank Redemption. The first real problem is that nothing ever bloody happens. There's very little time given in the novel before Marcus gets shipped off. There's just enough pages given to make you understand that he has daddy issues, his daddy has issues and his girlfriend has daddy issues, but it's not the same daddy and not the same issues.

Marcus got sent off to a life sentence in prison for not following orders, and that sentence was downgraded (or upgraded? Depending how you look at it?) from a firing squad. Now, their reasoning behind this is that by breaking command (by trying to save his dad's life - a scientist which is essentially Sera's last hope of killing the locust mind you) and getting a handful of guys to help, he caused hundreds of Gears to die. Like, what? I would like to know what 4 more men could have done that would have saved all those lives. But whatever, Marcus, after decades of dedication to the war and the COG, gets shipped to a prison (which, in times where the world is starving to death and humanity is being extinct, is somehow still kept operational.)

Prison: You'd think knife fights and shower rape and brawls and riots. Think again- The Slab has a sort of functional society going on. Merino, the mob boss, is running the place more smoothly then most world leaders run their countries. They grow food. They clean shit. This is great and all except for the lack of entertainment. There are highlights of Marcus' saint-like personality like the refusal to participate in the slaughter of the psychologically insane convicts when security is compromised, or not having a dog-kebob when they where on the edge of starving to death, though the bulk of it is cleaning toilets and avoiding people. There's so few fights, so little action, and the foreshadowing is so obvious that there's no big surprises and there's not much bang.

The worse thing, I think, at least in my opinion is the weird-ass relationship between Marcus and his woman, Anya. She adores him for no reason and really doesn't play much of a role. She just cries and moans and feels helpless and sad. That should be expected from a woman portrayed in the manliest man-book. What is NOT expected is for Marcus to pull out this "sensitive side" bullshit. Okay so he doesn't actually CRY over the love letters, but he does sit in a dark corner thinking about death, which really isn't much better.

Forever a Fenix

Adam Fenix is also a dumb little prick of a character. Marcus' dad's logic makes absolutely no sense, and although the other characters in the book seem to share my opinion, it seems like a cheap way to cover an obvious plot device. Adam has no reason to do 90% of the shit he does other then because of his broken logic, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense since he's supposed to be a god damn GENIUS. It feels like the story is being pushed when it has nothing else to offer so "meh, let's just throw this in here to cause some drama".

Despite my urge to bitch-slap some characters, I can't say I hated it. I can't say it did absolutely nothing for me. I was curious, and it kept me curious because I felt like something more HAD to happen. The disappointing part, however, is that being a directly-linked prequel, the book ends when the bullets finally start flying... because the game begins. The level of language used was easy to follow without making you feel like an idiot, making it excessively easy to pick up and put down at any kind of interval. There's some expected crude language if you're sensitive about that too I guess.

I was surprised by my own feeling of disappointment at the end. Karen Traviss is the author of a lot more video-game and sci-fi novels, including more GoW, Halo, and the Star Wars Republic Commando series. She's also the lead writer for Gears of War 3. It just felt too pushed. Too gimmicky. Trying too hard to be something it isn't.

I guess my point is, less QQ, more pew pew. Gears of War doesn't need the over-development. It's beautiful in it's simplicity. It's enjoyable as a manly game with manly satisfaction, and even the more sentimental moments, such as Dom's everlasting quest to find his wife Maria, seem appropriate in the moment, where as The Slab feels more made-up, almost like a fanfiction from a girl with a crush on Marcus that wanted him to be able to love. I give this 5.5 scrubbed toilets out of 10 for making Anya run around in high heels and crying herself to sleep at night thinking about Marcus getting butt-raped.

And sorry guys, no COLE TRAIN MOTHERFUCKERS (other then an honorable mention at the start).

Movie Mania: Dragon Age: Dawn of the Seeker

Title: Dragon Age: Dawn of the Seeker
Publisher: Fumihiko Sori

Published:  29/05/2012

Run Time: 90 minutes

Final Verdict: 1/10

In b4 this week's header is a lazy collage, I just couldn't be bothered, and that should be saying enough as it is.

Here's a little bit of a disclaimer. I played a total of maybe 1h28 minutes of Dragon Age. And that was Dragon Age 2. I assure you however, I was in the presence of fans when I watched this, so as my review will be completely heartfelt from an entertainment value standpoint, it will be based on my friend's reactions also (and my Wikipedia knowledge of Dragon Age.)

So let's do this.

This movie is awful. Like, I don't mean somewhat mediocre but entertaining, because trust me, no one else in the world has seen the Super Mario Bros movie as often as me, as I can put aside how bad it is and still watch it for the lulz. I watched Trolls 2 and can enjoy it. But this... This is just awful.

I don't even know where to start.

I was compelled to buy this when I saw it on the shelf at HMV and was intrigued on the possibly adding a video game based movie to my roster of reviewed gaming-inspired stuff. So I said, what the hell, I love animation, I love video games, and I mean, look at that cover. It looks good!

WRONG.

The first thing that hit me when the movie started were the graphics. Not by their amazingly rendered Blu-Ray quality, but how low quality they were. They are background quality graphics at the most, and this is the entire movie. Main characters. Environments. Everything! It's a little shocking to see something so low-poly being released these days with the more sophisticated equipment and software becoming more accessible. This is almost gameplay-level graphics for a whole movie. It's unseen!

While we speak of the visual aspect, let me tell you a little about artistic integrity. There is none. I have never been so underwhelmed by design in my life. It doesn't take museum curator to type "Dragon Age" in Google Images and take a look at the game's concepts and armor sets and appealing medieval atmosphere. Dawn of the Seeker seems to miss out on it's origin's creativity. Unfortunately I could go on about this but I have a ton more points to touch and everyone gets fed up after reading too much, so...

 

Look at those faces.

THE ACTING. I can forgive poor voice acting if it really was it's only flaw. It's typical of dubbed movie to have bad voice-overs or poor translations. Again, I could easily laugh that off, if only the characters didn't reflect the bad acting in the animation too. There's so much wrong with the character's stiff movements, but worse of all I have to say would be the lips. There's unnatural movement of their mouths when the characters talk, and I don't mean (just) poor lip-syncing. Instead of opening and closing, the mouths seem to be pulled from the sides as if the characters had fish hooks in each corner of their mouths that were being pulled by invisible fish line every time they wanted to say something like some sort of tortured puppet. It doesn't stop there. Although the animation does fail on many aspects, the acting is also compromised by poorly developed characters, or characters doing out-of-character things. At some point a group of mages come fight along the side of our heroes, by fighting armored knights by hitting them with their staffs instead of casting magic spells. In this movie though, mages seem to only have context-sensitive fireballs. There are many other grievances I could pull from this but I'll have to stop sometime...

Cinematography anyone? I am actually impressed that they managed to screw this up. There are some things about cinematography that you learn just by watching movies that you should know to apply to your own feature, like, for example, no one wants a perfectly framed horse's ass on screen unless they are into weird stuff that I rather not imagine. On multiple occasions the wrong things are in the frame, or there are some unwanted content in the frame (i.e. horse's backside). There's also multiple (and I mean A LOT) of shots of the heroine's face pulling the Kristen Stewart trademark confused pout. It actually started to get frustrating. You started wishing she'd make another face, have another expression, try to feel something, but then she'd talk and your face (teary eyes and everything) would fall hopelessly into your pillow suppressing a scream about why humanity would publish something like this for the unsuspecting masses. It's a cruel world.

 

I'd be pissed too if I only had one expression.

As for writing, the dialogs are crap. There's nothing really great about anything, and even the story is fairly poor. My Dragon Age-loving friends assured me that it was really hard to place this movie (though, from I read on the Internet, it seems to have been somewhere between the first and second game) as there was very little content really relevant to the games, and even some contradicting it. Dragons, which are supposed to be like god-kings-lords-all-powerful-dudes are reduced to a bunch of idiots crashing into each other because little miss plot-device-on-legs decided she wasn't gonna help the bad guys take over the world anymore. Although, I must admit this scene spawned a come at me bro-esque moment where an old lady calls out a dragon and it's as ridiculous as it sounds. There's nothing surprising, touching, suspenseful or exciting about the plot, and really, even if there was, the characters would not have been able to ever take it to that level with the Justin Timberlake meet C-3PO in the lead with Stewart-faced-angry-bitch.

Looking at my notes I see that I could clearly go on for possibly double what I've already written, but I think any sane person got the point already. Avoid this movie if you ever come across it, and certainly don't pay any money for it. If you do watch it, make sure you're properly intoxicated and that you have good friends with senses of humor with you to survive. It's a bad movie. It is adding to the pile of reasons some real directors are horrified of producing actually good video game based movies (Gore Verbinski, please, PLEASE return to the Bioshock project) and I can't really blame them. This is bad. This is AWFUL. I give this 1 pimp slap for being 20$ I'll never see again. And because I'm saving 0 for that game that'll one day need that special place in hell.